Parent Shaming - It has to stop!

Parenting is the easiest thing in the world to have an opinion about, but the hardest thing to do in the world. - Matt Walsh

I have seen this on a Facebook page called Love What Matters. It's a page where they share inspirational short stories. As you can see in the screenshot, it is praising the nice Lowe's employee who helped pacify a cranky toddler. But for some people, it became their glorious mom shaming moment. They didn't bother to stop and remind themselves that they do not know the lady or the child and their entire life story at all.

Note: I don't want to show their name nor picture, this is not to shame them too. We cannot judge their entire being for what they said. The only point is to show an example of parent-shaming.

Another example of parent-shaming is the gorilla killing incident wherein a 3-year-old boy fell into a gorilla exhibit at the Cincinnati Zoo. I personally feel sad that the gorilla was killed. Who wouldn't? It's a critically endangered animal.

But seeing this kind of insults made me even sadder.

Just in case you're curious whether the mom is guilty or not, I saw this on CNN, Gorilla killing: 3-year-old boy's mother won't be charged.

Parent shaming nowadays became so rampant that it'll make you think that compassion has already run out of fashion. I have to admit that when I was younger (like college days), it's easier to question parent's way of disciplining their child. As I grow older, thanks to parenting articles and friends with kids, I became more and more aware of how hard it is to raise kids especially when I became a mom.

Let's face the reality. We are not perfect, never been and definitely never will be. And parenting doesn't come with a manual. It's a very hard job and it gets harder when other people drags you down. It's so upsetting, that it can make parents lose their focus in what matters most in raising kids.

How to stop? Before making a comment and hitting the enter button or spitting the words out of your mouth, think! Not only once, twice, but as many as needed. Learn to empathize. We all want to raise our kids properly and we are all doing our best. We all make bad choices in parenting one way or another. Are you a parent? Then yes, you are guilty too. Do not pretend otherwise. Bad mistakes don't make us bad parents. Mistakes help us learn, not just with parenting but for all aspects of life. What's important is we learn from our mistakes.

And just like this advertisement (I super love this powerful video!), Tang #WeAreHomeMade: No to Parent Judging, let us help build a community with compassion, spreading goodwill and giving courage to parents especially during their hard times.

I have also read a powerful message from reallifeparentingblog.com, "We have to stop separating ourselves from these awful events saying “that would never be me because I know better, I would do better, I am better.” Because we aren’t better. Most of us just haven’t found ourselves in the position to have the worst in an accident or tragedy come to fruition. We’re not better, just luckier."

And whenever you feel the urge to judge other parents, please read The Top 7 Reasons Why You’re Mom-Shaming. It will help you reflect and help you to heal. Yes! I know you are hurting too. The sooner you admit it, the sooner you will heal. The more we will be able to achieve a peaceful and happy community.

Father's vital role to his kids

“Fathers are far more than just ‘second adults’ in the home. Involved fathers bring positive benefits to their children that no other person is as likely to bring." - Dr. David Popenoe

An involved father is not just by living in the same house with his child and provides the child's basic needs (food, clothes, house, etc.) but actively interacts, shows affection, nurtures and being available to his child.

For children's cognitive development, studies show that fathers who are involved, nurturing, and playful with their infants have children with higher IQ's, as well as better linguistic and cognitive capacities. Children with involved fathers have better linguistic skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement among adolescents.

Also, involved father's kids are emotionally secure, confident in exploring their surroundings, and are more sociable. It is less likely for them to have behavioral problems or be involved in alcohol or drug abuse.

And there's a whole lot more advantages (child's physical, social, emotional, intellectual and communication development) of being an involved father than you could imagine. Dr. Gail Gross, a Human Behavior, Parenting, and Education Expert, Speaker, Author. Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., even said that "It is impossible to over-estimate the importance of dad."

This post is kudos to all fathers' (especially my hubby) for making the effort to be involved in your child's care despite the "old school" concept that the father is the provider and the mother should be the one to manage the home and the kids. It means a lot to mothers like me and most importantly to your kids. Thank you for helping to create a better world.

Source: The Importance of Fathers   in the Healthy Development of Children
by Jeffrey Rosenberg and W. Bradford Wilcox

4 steps in handling a meltdown

It's terribly frustrating to hear those constant tantrums. It's easy if what the kid is asking for is something feasible like she can't open her toy box on her own. You can simply ask her if she needs your help and voila! The tantrum stops.

But there are those moments that kids will be asking for something unreasonable. Just recently, my kid asked for a toy baby bottle to be opened just like her feeding bottles. But then I will have to break the toy to do that and so the nerve-wracking cry starts.

It feels like your ears are about to explode. Sometimes, you yourself wanted to cry too (I actually did sometimes).But through trial and errors, these are the steps I used whenever my daughter starts her meltdown.

• Stay calm

It's actually the hardest but most important part in handling a meltdown. The more frustrated you are, the more frustrated the kid will be. I usually count 1 to 10 and do a breathing exercise before facing my daughter.

• Let the child express themselves

I let my daughter cry for at least 20 seconds without talking. I don't dare to reason out as she is distraught and will not listen (Let's face it. Adults are unreasonable when distraught too.). I just let her cry (I'm just right in front of her). I keep on telling myself that even adults can have a hard time controlling their emotions and it's definitely harder for a child who doesn't have much life experience right? But I make sure that she's not hurting herself or anybody in the process.

• Hug your child

As soon as she allows me to carry her (sometimes it takes more than 20 seconds), I put her head on my shoulder and hug her. I allow some time for her to feel that I am there for her, that I care for her, and I love her. It's amazing what a hug can do to kids.

• Divert the attention

This is the part where I learn to be very creative. "Oh look at that picture! It's so pretty!", "Oooh... What's that? It's so colorful!", or I will give her a different toy or anything that will get her attention and put her in a different part of the house (from the living room to the dining room) so she will forget about the reason for her meltdown.

Whenever I am pretty sure that there will be no more meltdowns (for the same issue) and everything is calm, that's the moment that I talk to her regarding what happened. I explain to her why we cannot do it and try to offer her a more positive way in dealing with it. 

I hope this helps you, and I will be very glad to know how you handle yours so I can learn from it too. Feel free to comment below!

future politician

Something new generation parents can relate. 

Unfreeze that “Frozen” parenting lesson

I have watched this movie for what feels like a hundredth time. If you are a parent like me, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be surprised with that. I have yet to see a kid who doesn’t like it, for girls, that is. Some would probably say, “ugh! Let it go!” But since I want other parents to be aware too, I just can’t.

I have learned with this movie is that, as a parent, being very protective to your kid is natural. I mean, we love them so much, and we have seen a lot during our lives that we don’t want them getting hurt. But being over protective can be very damaging to our kids too.

“It’s easier to raise strong children than fix a broken man.”

The king saw what Elsa’s power can do; instead of seeking advice and find ways to learn how her daughter can control her powers, she secluded her daughter from the rest of her world and ask her to suppress her magic which results to fear of just about everything and very low self esteem. In real life, on top of what happened to Elsa, children who have overprotective parents can have a rebellious streak thinking they no longer have control over their life. Or they can be too dependent to their parents that they can no longer handle challenges on their own. And sometimes, they are also having a hard time socializing.

Personally, I think this is one of the hardest trial for parents. Letting our kids fall so they can pick up themselves. But we are not doing them a favor by not letting them go through hard times. We cannot always be there to protect them and “every bird must leave the nest”. If we do not teach them resilience and other life skills when they are still little, they will have a hard time doing that when they grow up. And who doesn’t want their kid to grow up to be a strong, independent and responsible adult?